This article is part of The Daily Gamecock's April Fools' edition. It is not real.
The commission had originally determined that Bragg’s votes for himself had forced a treasurer runoff, but had mistakenly counted votes from last year’s election toward this year’s. After the lowest-ever voter turnout, Bragg’s write-in votes in each category were enough to secure all three positions, according to Amy DeWitt, the commission’s head.
His victory indicates that Bragg was the only student who voted in this year’s elections.
The win unseats Bragg’s front-running opponents in each race — Kenny Tracy, Chase Mizzell and Coy Gibson, who had already started serving their terms before the recount was completed. Asked why they hadn’t even voted for themselves, all three admitted they’d been relying on their campaign staffs to drum up adequate support and simply assumed they didn’t need to do so.
“I’m shocked,” Gibson said angrily, flipping his hair as he packed his Walter Isaacson autographed Steve Jobs biography and Tom Hanks movie collections he’d set out in his office only weeks before. “I’ve lost all hope in the elections commission. I thought I’d already beaten this guy! I know they’re not treasurers, but how do you screw up a one-vote count?!”
When informed of the news, Tracy turned a shade of garnet reminiscent of a Harris Pastides game day blazer.
“It’s ridiculous. I don’t even know what to say,” Tracy said, before rushing off to an intramural floor hockey playoff game.
Mizzell, in rare form, lost all composure; yanking off his bow tie, he embarked on a rampage through the SG office screaming at various students and faculty and storming past a custodian without greeting him.
“I ran unopposed!” he spat at a quivering Mason Smith. “How do you lose an election when you run unopposed, and you have perfect — literally perfect — hair?!”
Bragg, when contacted Sunday afternoon, hadn’t heard the results and deferred questions to the evening.
“Uhh, I’m in the middle of a FIFA game right now dude, call me later,” Bragg said.
When asked what team he was playing with, Bragg responded via text message: “Barcelona — duh.”
The elections commission is once again under review by the constitutional council to determine how it was possible to allow one student to fill all three roles.
“I’m confident we’ll get this overturned,” said Rohail Kazi, Tracy’s former campaign manager. C.J. Lake, Tracy’s other top consultant, was unavailable for comment as she was participating in a karaoke contest at a Carolina After Dark event. She did express her position, yelling out, “Kenny 4 Carolina!” excitedly at the end of an inspiring rendition of Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer.”
Whether Bragg will take up the mantle as all three executive student body representatives remains to be seen. One thing’s for certain however. He won’t serve in the senate — where he also commanded the one-vote majority.
“I’m not gonna say the senate doesn’t do anything...” Bragg wrote in a Facebook chat to a reporter Sunday night, echoing a statement made by former competitor John Cuenin, “but the senate doesn’t really do anything.”