This article is part of The Daily Gamecock's April Fools' edition. It is not real.
Anticipating the surplus of students who will need to sacrifice an organ, Student Health Services will be hosting a Kidney Clinic beside the bursar’s office during Welcome Week.
The average kidney is worth between $70,000 and $80,000, according to kidneykidney.com. Therefore, selling one kidney should cover a student for one year at USC.
Incoming freshmen need to score at least 1000 on the SAT, have 3.0 GPA and sodium levels of 135 to 145 milliequivalents per liter.
“I’m more than happy to give my kidney so all the administrators can get their annual raises,” said former Daily Gamecock editor Josh Dawsey. “I’ll give both kidneys if they’ll hire another $230,000 spokeswoman.”
USC President Harris Pastides said the university considered it, but the idea was rejected.
“We thought about offering the option for out-of-state students to donate both kidneys to offset cost, but you need at least one to survive,” Pastides said.
Underclassmen must also be prepared to donate limbs or other organs in subsequent years as tuition increases could reach up to 10,000 percent, board members predict.
“I’m just thankful I got a Pelvis Grant,” Aaron Nelson, a second-year biomedical engineering student, said.
Pelvis Grants are government-funded and allowed students to donate their appendix — a less necessary organ — instead of the kidneys.
“It could be a lot worse, we could all have to donate our livers,” Stephan Most, a second-year business student said. “Then we’d have to get through college without drinking.”
Advisers need to be extra careful when determining students’ curriculum. The slightest mistake could cost students their vitals.
A sixth-year public relations student, James Gilmore, could have missed the organ mandate; however, an advising mishap will keep him in school for another two years.
“There should be an universal credit hours per organ system,” Gilmore said. “I shouldn’t have to give up some extra platelets because I took University 101.”
The provost’s office is considering other options for students who are planning on participating in Palmetto College, the university’s initiative for students to earn their bachelor’s degree online.
Since the majority of these students will be older, their kidneys will be of no use.
“We’re encouraging Palmetto College students to consider donating their hips and kneecaps,” said Provost Michael Amiridis. “Those are easily replaceable for our nontraditional students.”