We all know the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Maybe you see a guy spending hours upon hours at the library day in and out, and think, “What a nerd. He’ll never get a girlfriend with that kind of social life.” But then you step back and consider that hey, who knows? He might be a party animal on the weekends and a regular Casanova. Maybe you see a girl with large glasses and a venti Starbucks coffee reading a worn copy of “The Great Gatsby.”She’s immediately written off as a hipster, until you realize that maybe she’s reading Gatsby for class and that the coffee is to help her through an all-nighter.
But what if he really is a nerd? What if she’s a hipster? Is it okay to judge then?
The immediate response is that of course it isn’t. So why do we still do it? Once our suspicions and assumptions are confirmed about what stereotype someone fits into, what gives us the right to judge them for it? Why do we criticize people based on their likes and dislikes, their aspirations or their plans to meet their goals?
The problem is, most of the time, we think we’re being helpful. You might say to a shy friend of yours, “You should go to this party; it’ll be good for you.” Or maybe you imply to someone that they won’t have a stable or well-paying job upon graduation because of their major, and that they should consider changing career paths to something more profitable. Maybe you express surprise when your friend tells you that they don’t have any romantic interests as of the moment, and you tell them that they should meet someone else you know because “you two would totally hit it off.” Those are all fairly harmless suggestions, right?
It may seem that way, because that’s how you meant it. But little comments like that are hurtful because that person then feels judged for how they are directing their lives. These things that you may perceive as problems aren’t necessarily such. No one wants to be told that they are living an inferior life compared to others. It’s a form of unintentional harassment.
We can’t judge others based on our own personal experiences. I can’t tell someone that they’re enjoying orange juice wrong if they like pulp just because I like it without; similarly, I can’t belittle someone for their likes and dislikes. I can’t pass judgment on someone for eating an Oreo whole just because I prefer to separate the halves first; I also can’t judge someone for their methods of reaching their goals. These examples are silly, but so are imposing your own ideals and motivations on someone who has different emotions and another mentality.
The key is to, of course, keep an open mind, but how can we do that if we don’t share common experiences? The simple answer is to ask questions. If you ask why a person feels or does things a certain way, it’s sure to be appreciated and explained, and you might just learn something.