In college, students learn just as much about themselves as they do about the world around them. Maybe you learned how great of a tipper you can be after one too many rounds of trivia. Or maybe you learned that free football tickets don’t mitigate the three $4 bottled waters you had to buy in the first quarter. Or that your minimum wage job and student loan can’t entirely finance your Labor Day blowout, your fall break blowout and your Election Day blowout. Or maybe all the things you've learned so far have been such a blur, and all you have to show for it is a parent-sized hole in your wallet. Well, you’re a college student now and you’re determined to take responsibility and get yourself out of this situation ... by calling mom and dad.
Plan your request
The call home asking for money will likely be an arduous task. It will be the ultimate struggle in maneuvering passive-aggression, taming your pride and promoting whatever quasi-independent state you've cooked up for yourself so far. Such an endeavor will take hard work in order to be successful. You know your parents, you used to share a roof with them. But now, you’re equipped with all sorts of rhetorical skill and mental acuity from USC that will be sure to make them play right into your hand. Right?
Make the call
So, you’re well-rehearsed and ready to phone home. Find a time and a location that’s as silent as possible so it doesn't sound like you’re distracted or around friends slipping in a quick call to your folks. Then get those fingers dialing and that big mouth flapping. The classic mistake is to lay on the love too thick early on. The call-and-response between “my beautiful, adoring mother” and a dead dial tone is almost musically familiar.
Diverge, diverge, diverge
Once you've snuck past suspicion, get off topic quick. Any slight pause will induce the “So, what are you really calling about?” question, and we all know you’re not quick enough to play that one smoothly. Talk about all the hard work you’re doing, the lack of sleep you've had — any pity you can induce from your parents, any pride you can instill. This will bring back the bacon from home.
Segue
This is the most challenging part of the conversation if you've milked the divergence right. Once you can hear their pride on the other end of the line, it’s now time to bring the whole thing back to focus. A good “Speaking of ...” “You know what rhymes with ...” or “Excuse me one second, I’m being robbed” will surely get you the sober attention that you need from your parents when trying to get your funds authorized.
Pop the question
At this point, you both know what you’re trying to ask. Any parent would be alert to what this midweek conversation with his or her child is really about. Go ahead and ask. Make your case and clarify how hard you've been working and how dire this is. Give reasons for your request but not too many unnecessary details that demonstrate a severe discomfort in taking from the feeding hand. You’re an adult now, so act like it. And ask your parents for money. Nicely.
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