If the 2016 primary has taught us anything, it’s that it is the end. Politicians from both ends of the spectrum are prophesying disaster, whether by the hand of the big banks or the Mexicans “pouring across the border.”
But why elect a candidate who only worries about stifling the siren song of the void when we could elect the void itself?
After all, we have already unwittingly sacrificed millions of Americans to the foot soldiers of the abomination. Perhaps the festering mouth of the gelatinous mass doesn’t mean well for us, but which of these groveling politicians does?
America prides itself on being a leader. Someone must make the first slide into the trans-dimensional chasm beyond.
Besides, after eight years of our first black president, we can’t return to some typical elderly, white male. Clinton and Cruz offer alternatives, but why stick that close to the mold when we could elect our first amorphous, inhuman expanse of slobbering dread?
Our feeble, mortal presidential candidates compare to the breadth of influence held by the colossal parasitic horrors that are destroying our already-thin illusion of freedom. Not even Donald Trump could possibly unite America against a common enemy as well as an ancient being from the very depths of the hell-pit our universe is falling into.
And how could a pitiful, subordinate human triumph when there is another, better choice? One of these frail creatures has declared that “No one would be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump,” but would the IS dare to attack a nation with a hideous alien monstrosity at the helm? Another has professed to be able to break up the big banks, but only a towering vortex of scaled flesh can match up to the spreading evil of Wall Street.
The chill of the abyss is beckoning, America. We might as well plunge into its formless, tentacle-like appendages. The Earth is warming, and disease and unnatural tropical cyclones will soon consume us. Wouldn’t you rather avoid that death and instead be devoured by an endless, bubbling sea of outlandish toxins?
Regardless of whether or not we elect this hulking, spongy mass with innumerable eyes to the presidency, it and its hordes of grotesque, extra-dimensional minions will take over our country eventually. By pretending to have a choice in the matter, we are only prolonging the time before we dissolve into the throes of utter madness. But perhaps, if we select them as our leaders of our own dubiously free will, the many-horned masses of slimy tendrils may take pity.
Americans voting in November will choose between the lesser of two evils. But why make that choice when you could choose the greatest evil of them all?