One week ago, 24 candidates entered the arena for a chance at presidential glory. Now Goldman Sachs, official sponsor of the election, presents a timeline of major events for those just tuning in.
Interview Day: America discovers, forgets Jim Gilmore.
Interview Day: Ben Carson falls asleep mid-sentence.
Interview Day: Jim Webb oddly insistent on talking about the time he killed a man.
11:59 a.m., Day 1: Rick Perry has a false start and an explosive finish.
12 p.m., Day 1: The games begin.
12:01 p.m., Day 1: Bernie Sanders delivers a speech urging the other candidates to stop fighting each other and unite against the billionaire class.
12:02 p.m., Day 1: Hillary Clinton’s tomahawk eloquently disagrees.
12:05 p.m., Day 1: Lincoln Chafee's smile blinds Martin O’Malley.
1 p.m., Day 1: Viewers relieved they won’t have to learn anything about Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Lawrence Lessig or Scott Walker after all.
9 a.m., Day 2: Jeb Bush’s donors purchase a mech suit.
9:40 a.m., Day 2: A gamma radiation leak turns Donald Trump in to an unstoppable rage monster with tiny hands and the mind of a third grader.
10 a.m., Day 2: Jeb Bush dies.
4 p.m., Day 3: Lindsey Graham calls in an airstrike on Ted Cruz.
11 p.m., Day 3: Gary Johnson accidentally lights his hiding tree on fire while advocating legal marijuana, dies with no regrets.
7 a.m., Day 4: Carly Fiorina stabs Trump in his wherever.
9 p.m., Day 4: America captivated by Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum’s forbidden romance.
1:30 p.m., Day 5: Mitt Romney breaks in to the field.
10 p.m., Day 6: A mortally wounded John Kasich stabs his allies in the leg out of spite.
3 a.m., Day 7: Jim Gilmore kills Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, Jim Webb, and Marco Rubio in a surprise attack