Over the last decade, healthcare debates have shaped American politics. Now, with the president promising to "explode" Obamacare and Ryancare gone the way of the titans, I believe it is time to remind America that the greatest healthcare system known to the West has been around for eons: Apollocare.
Indeed, devotion to the god who brings and banishes the plagues is the obvious solution to America's ills, literal and metaphorical. Just as he slayed the mighty Python, Apollo can slay rising premiums and the Medicare gap.
If Americans had only worshiped the god of justice properly, perhaps we wouldn't be debating this at all. We find time for the Olympics, two Final Fours, a Super Bowl, the World Series and a myriad of other contests of athleticism, but who among us can remember the last Pythian Games? We look to Nathaniel of the Silver clan to divine the future while the altars of even Apollo's most favored oracles remain bare.
The path to restoring the greatness of American healthcare is simple. First, we must repeal all laws that brand the names of American kings on industries granted by the gods. What a slight the word "Obamacare" is to the Olympians, as if a mere mortal could govern even himself without their consent. Next, we must ban all medical providers not licensed by a priest of Apollo, or risk his wrath as Americans look to false healers for something only the gods may give.
Some may object to that step, arguing that bringing a god into American law is a violation of the founding documents of this kingdom. But are the edicts of Apollo not more ancient still? Can we hold our flimsy pieces of paper up to the one who drives the sun and hope to survive? Our civilization was founded upon Olympian values, by philosophers who worshiped the rightful pantheon. It would be a betrayal of everything our society is built upon to allow the values of monotheists and foreigners to pollute our great tradition.
When all false household gods have been banished and the proper sacrifices to the son of Leto are made in every American city, then the plagues of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, obesity and spontaneous transformation into birds shall surely come to an end. Provided, of course, that we halt our foolish plan to dismantle the EPA and anger Phoebe, elder twin of Phoebus and fellow plaguebringer.
Next week I invite you to return to this column to see a new plan on how to end sexual assault involving swans on campus: the It's On Zeus campaign.
#aprilfools