The Daily Gamecock admits it. We're not perfect.
Just this week we said Senator Rand Paul was a member of the House Freedom Caucus. We've spelled names wrong in headlines on the front page before. Then there was that time we accidentally double-printed an incredibly unfortunate ad.
That speaks for itself.
Suffice it to say we've messed up some stuff. We've apologized to some of the relevant individuals. We've repented in accordance with our various religious traditions. We've honestly gotten a little tired of beating our foreheads with the AP Stylebook every time we forget that we're not allowed to use the Oxford comma, but we'll continue to do it because we're committed to delivering a quality product to you. If we have to torture a couple of copy editors to get there, then I guess we'll get out the thumbscrews.
Anyway, we promise we're telling the truth this time. We'll never make another mistake ever again. We swear.
But that's not what you're really mad about, is it? We bet you didn't even notice the name thing. What you're really mad about is all those times we've printed something that you didn't agree with.
And the crossword. You're pretty mad about the crossword.
But we digress. We've printed some stuff you guys have really been offended by. That vape column, for one. The time we published a review that gave a Pentatonix album a D rating. That one letter to the editor about how we should be nice to fans of other teams. We personally know some guys who didn't appreciate the column we published about orgasm reparations.
And we get it. We do. Sometimes we don't even agree with ourselves. Honestly, we've published some stuff that turned out to be just plain wrong.
The Daily Gamecock apologizes, sincerely and profusely, for publishing this sort of nonsense. We swear, we can change. It doesn't have to be like this.
So here it is. The big promise. We're adding it to the policies section of our website. From here on out, The Daily Gamecock promises never to publish anything you don't agree with. We've loved the letters to the editor you've sent us, opening dialogues on issues you've disagreed with us about. We've been proud of starting those sorts of discussions on campus. (We've been less proud of the Twitter comments you've sent us, but we guess every relationship has its kinks to work out.)
All of our columnists have been warned. This sort of fire-starting won't be tolerated anymore at this paper. We value our relationship with you too much to keep upsetting it like this, so from now on we'll only talk about how great our sports teams are and how we generally like movies that aren't Troll 2 and music that isn't Nickelback. To be safe, the opinion section will have to be entirely disbanded. The columnists will probably say something like "but how will I pay my rent," but sacrifices have to be made. We're sure they understand.
We're sorry we've let it continue this way for so long. We've messed up. But we won't let it happen again. We've learned our lesson: Sometimes loving someone means never challenging them about anything, ever.
#aprilfools