We precious little snowflakes had to retreat to our safe spaces April 10 when an opinion column in The Gamecock triggered us. The subject was the controversial Pepsi commercial, depicting the inexplicably famous Kendall Jenner solving the race crisis in America with the aid of a refreshing can of Pepsi.
While I and my snowflake brethren lick our wounds from the absolute smack-down that columnist Isabelle Carroll delivered to us, I would like to respond to the article, and explain to Ms. Carroll how right she was.
I've been to a couple protests. I have to apologize, because Pepsi absolutely nailed what it's like. Happy people of all races coming together with signs that say “Join The Conversation.” Because that's all we want. We just want a conversation!
I think that Pepsi really got to the heart of why protests are sometimes unsuccessful. They need beautiful people to lead them! Thank god Kendall Jenner was there to stride through the crowd and unite the two sides using the power of soda (make sure the label is facing out). All she needed was a random black person to give her a fist bump, which is the universal blessing that black people can bestow upon a white person.
Last of all, I'm glad Ms. Carroll was able to remind us what's really important: “the real chaos going on in the Middle East.” That place is rough. Chaos everywhere! How could I forget? We single-minded snowflake people cannot possibly focus on more than one issue at a time. I'm glad that Ms. Carroll has been here to help us grow up.