As part of Sounding Board, a series where The Daily Gamecock's opinion section sends out a columnist on campus to talk to USC students about their views on hot-button issues, we interviewed 10 students to find out how they feel about some extremely vital questions facing college students on campus every day. These issues are of the utmost importance and are not to be taken lightly. Accordingly, The Daily Gamecock sent out only the most talented student columnists who could be trusted to handle this immensely serious matter.
The 10 students interviewed were first-year fashion merchandising student Shakira Morrison, intergalactic studies grad student in the school of hard knocks That One Hippie Guy, third-year chemistry student Jeff Michaels, first-year biology student Courtney, third-term senator Lindsey Graham, fourth-year business student Caroline Klaczynski, third-year women and gender studies student Stefania, who wishes it to be known that she also has a double minor in classical literature and Mandarin, fourth-year journalism student Caitlin Mathias, fourth-year economics student Michael Anson Ferguson II, and second-year barista arts student Bob D. Ellen. Their views and the questions they were asked have been presented below unedited.
Is The Daily Gamecock fake news?
SHAKIRA: Um, no?
HIPPIE: Yes.
JEFF: Uh, I would say it has fake news properties to it, but all in all, no.
COURTNEY: I don’t think so. I would think that students who are passionate about news would broadcast things that they feel are real and relevant to students on campus.
SEN. GRAHAM: I would say The Daily Gamecock is not fake news, unless it’s the April Fool’s Day edition.
CAROLINE: No.
STEFANIA: I would hope The Daily Gamecock is not fake news.
CAITLIN: No. I don’t think so. It would depend on what the article is, exactly. If it’s an opinionated article, then absolutely, but for the most part it’s news or consumer-related articles, which would still be news.
MICHAEL: Yes.
BOB: Honestly, I could not tell you yes or no because my extension of reading The Daily Gamecock is the illustrations and the few articles my roommates point out to me.
If the Gamecocks beat Gonzaga, what campus building should the resulting riot destroy first?
SHAKIRA: I guess Russell House because that’s just, like, the student union building. That’s what I think of first, when I think about students.
HIPPIE: The Statehouse.
JEFF: I’m sorry, can you repeat that? [after repetition] Probably the law building. Yes.
COURTNEY: Um, what building do I hate the most? One of the engineering buildings, they all seem to hate those.
SEN. GRAHAM: On campus? It has to be on campus? If we’re destroying a building, I think it should be, probably — Leconte’s too historic to destroy. I think you have to destroy either Close-Hipp or Humanities because they need to be redone. Or the Sciences can destroy Jones.
CAROLINE: I would say the Coliseum, but World War III is going to come if we destroy it.
STEFANIA: McBryde. I mean, it needs to come down anyway. It’s a public safety problem.
CAITLIN: Destroy? Why would they destroy it? You mean, like, flock to? Like they flocked to the library? Why would they destroy something if we win? No, they shouldn’t — no! None. No. You celebrate, but you celebrate in the way of, like, going to Five Points and drink.
MICHAEL: The Moore School of Business. Because f--- that place.
BOB: McBryde.
Should we accept refugees from Charleston when the state floods again, or should we keep them out for the sake of university security?
SHAKIRA: I’m OK with them staying here, as long as they’re not in my room because I was really worried about random people in my dorm room. But I was fine with it. Let’s help people out.
JEFF: I don’t see the security in not allowing them to come up to Columbia or surrounding areas, so I would say yes. Allow them.
COURTNEY: I don’t think people from Charleston pose a huge security threat to campus. It’s a pretty open campus anyway, so even if they showed up in the city they could still get on.
SEN. GRAHAM: We should accept the refugees from Charleston, but not from other parts of the lower part of the state. Because you just, you just don’t know. Only from the College of Charleston. If you’re not from the College you can’t come in. Everyone else, though. We need to vet them. The College of Charleston has to vet all the refugees from Charleston.
CAROLINE: We should bring them here. Definitely.
STEFANIA: Bring them in. Oh my gosh.
CAITLIN: No, absolutely take them in. Why wouldn’t you? If people need help, they need help. First of all, you need to save people, and people need help. Second of all, Charleston is in the state, why would you not let people from the state — think about people who go to the University here. Most of their families are in Charleston or close to that. Why would you not let someone in? No, I say absolutely. Let them in. Help everybody.
MICHAEL: My heart says we should take them in, but man. I really don’t want to.
BOB: I would say, like, help Charleston out. We’re all from South Carolina. Southern hospitality. Just make preventative measures to make sure everyone’s accounted for and there’s ample security to deal with the situation.
Would you rather fight a hundred duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck? Explain your answer.
SHAKIRA: A hundred duck-sized horses because I just feel like I would be more capable. A horse-sized duck is pretty large, and I’m pretty small.
HIPPIE: A hundred duck-sized horses. Because dinosaurs are birds, obviously, so birds have the intelligence and viciousness of a raptor. Therefore, a horse-sized duck would be a raptor, and therefore dangerous.
JEFF: A hundred duck-sized horses. They’re easy to step on.
COURTNEY: One horse-sized duck because I feel like that would be interesting to see.
SEN. GRAHAM: One horse-sized duck. Ducks are pretty top-heavy. If I’m fighting it out of the water, I’m pretty sure I can get it to fall over. Once it’s fallen over, it’s not going to have a great time. Also, you can run from that a lot easier than you could run from a bunch of duck-sized horses. And ducks aren’t that small. So a bunch of duck-sized horses could probably still kill me. Also, I could ride the duck.
CAROLINE: One horse-sized duck. If he’s the only one it would be easier than if I had a hundred ones, it would be much more difficult for me. I would run.
STEFANIA: I would say duck-sized horses, just because I’m picturing that giant duck poop and I can’t deal with that.
CAITLIN: One hundred duck-sized horses because ducks are scary. And I’ve been chased by regular-sized ducks and their beaks are hard, and I wouldn’t even want to go against a horse-sized duck. That could kill someone. [A hundred duck-sized horses] are tiny, they’re like pets, that’s like a dog. A horse the size of a duck? They’re like [gesturing] that big. I’d love a hundred of those. One duck-sized horse could eat all of those.
MICHAEL: A hundred duck-sized horses because I think it would be f------ hilarious kicking them around.
BOB: I would have to go with a hundred duck-sized horses because I feel like I can do some damage with my legs, whereas ducks are a-------, so I definitely wouldn’t want to fight one on steroids.
On a scale of one to ten, how weird is it that we eat our mascot every Wednesday?
SHAKIRA: Very weird. We definitely shouldn’t eat them on gamedays. 10.
HIPPIE: It’s weird because you should eat it every day. So, seven. For seven days a week.
JEFF: I would say a two. Slightly.
COURTNEY: I never thought about it that way. I think a gamecock is different enough from a chicken? We don’t eat gamecocks, I don’t know.
SEN. GRAHAM: It’s pretty weird. I’m trying to think of another school that has a mascot that they eat on a regular basis. Scale of one to ten? Eight.
CAROLINE: Nine.
STEFANIA: It’s definitely weird. Nine and a half. It doesn’t have a face, so.
CAITLIN: I don’t eat meat. But it is weird. We were talking about superstitions today and someone’s superstition was that they don’t eat chicken the day of the game because that’s weird, you know? It’s chicken. It’s Cocky. Why would you eat chicken? I guess maybe if it’s inside you you feel like more of a Gamecock. Isn’t it like Chicken Finger Wednesdays or something? That is weird. On a scale of one to ten, how weird is it? I’d say like a six because everybody eats chicken. That’s just a thing. I bet schools like Clemson have, like, Chicken Finger Tuesdays or something, I don’t know.
MICHAEL: It’s not weird at all. We’re consuming him. We’re gaining strength by consuming him. We take in his soul and get stronger and more powerful.
BOB: It’s probably about an eight. That was a question of mine when I was a freshman, so I’d probably say it’s an eight.
#aprilfools, but the interviews were real.