Are you a good old-fashioned country boy or girl tired of getting burned by these city folk? Do you want to make sure you never spend another Valentine’s Day without that down home tall drink of water you deserve? Or are you, like me, single and just looking for anything to distract you from all the photos of happy couples on your Instagram feed? If you answered yes to any of those questions – but especially the last one – look no further than FarmersOnly.com!
As soon as you log in to the website, you can tell it’s authentic – only someone thoroughly fed up with all the trappings of fancy city folk could design a modern dating website that looks about as sophisticated as an unofficial Star Wars Fan Club chat room optimized for Windows 2000. Instantly you are immersed in a fascinating environment awkwardly trying to juxtapose traditional Americana with modern hookup culture – one of the t-shirts in their gift shop prominently features a pick-up truck with the caption “Your bed or mine?” The site is perfectly tailored for people who only recently discovered both dating and the Internet. Its FAQ page answers such burning questions as “I’m a woman.... Isn’t it inappropriate to send a flirt?,” “What is your view on catfish?,” and “Does FarmersOnly conduct criminal background checks?” – don’t worry, they don’t!
The profiles need to be seen to be believed. With fewer words than your average Tweet, these users are able to make you feel things even the great poets never could. Some offer unique and potent imagery. For example, “I’m a country girl at heart seeking a man who I can sow my seeds with.” Brilliant. Others leave you with many follow up questions. Take for instance this gem, “I grew up in a house full of guys. I know my way around a man pretty good. I have 5 brothers and they all say im the best rider in redwood county!” Wordsmiths like these could bring whole nations to their knees, but, fortunately for the rest of us, they’re willing to settle for just farmers.
Many of the accounts look fake – though the romantic in me wants to believe that there really are girls out there who love mudding, shooting guns and telling me that they “think (my) tractor is sexy.” In all seriousness, though, there do seem to be some genuine and sweet people looking for love on the website; in fact, some of the account bios for elderly widows/widowers were extremely touching. However, realistically, most of the people on this site are probably people like me with nothing better to do who enjoy the opportunity to mess with strangers and feel a little clever.
I say feel clever, because, geniuses as we were, it only took me and my research partner five minutes to get conned. Long story short: my research partner got catfished by a seedy generic alternative farmer dating site and ended up entering her credit card number and getting charged $50 for a three day “$1 trial.” Good times.
For better or for worse, FarmersOnly truly embody their (completely real) slogan “You don’t have to be lonely…” There are definitely worse places you could be spending your time, and it sure beats sitting on Facebook and stalking your ex. It’s a mixed bag for sure, but give it a shot! You might just find someone to “sow (your) seeds with.”