Dear Clemson,
Before this year’s big game, we need to talk.
You see, we’re worried about how you’ve been acting.
We’ve noticed you’ve started a cult that worships a big dumb rock and an adult man who goes by the name “Dabo” — a name apparently given to him by a toddler.
Stranger still is that fact you’ve put webcams up all over your property. Why are you spying on all these students? What are you afraid of? That they might actually get an education?
On top of all of that, we’ve noticed you’ve taken a particular interest in grass. And by that, of course, we’re to referring your major in Turfgrass (B.S.). What do you even do with that? Force students to stand on that stupidly dangerous hill of yours?
Speaking of that hill, we’re surprised that for as good as you are at engineering, your players still have to take a bus from the locker room to get there. What? Was a tunnel too hard to build? Or were you just worried you’d fill it with blue cheese instead?
And while we’re on the subject of your stadium, can we talk about that moronic shrine you have in it? Like, really, a rock? That’s what y’all worship? I know that you’re upset that you can’t be as cool as LSU and have a real tiger, but this is a bizarre way to make up for it. After all, you could’ve been original and picked a different mascot.
But, anyways, back on the topic of your pet rock.
The coach who it’s named after didn’t even like it. He used it as a doorstop until he tripped on it one day and evicted it to the stadium. Yet, you still hold on to it. Even despite the fact that some of your crazed fans went after it with a chisel. Yes, your fans. Apparently some of them hate it as much as we do. So now you spend all this time and money protecting it. I honestly feel bad for those poor ROTC students having to protect a rock like it's the president.
Perhaps the rock wouldn’t be in such danger if you just chilled out with all the cult stuff. After all, when your fans start writing love letters like a deranged 14-year-old One Direction groupie, you’re probably doing something wrong.
Clemson, we’re serious, we really care about you and wanna see you get better. You see, even though we’re rivals, that doesn’t change the fact that we’re both from Carolina and we gotta stick it to those Bulldogs. So ya gotta change and ya gotta change for the better. Because at this rate, all you’re gonna be is bunch of rock-worshiping cultists who’ll finish second to Alabama.
Sincerely,
South Carolina